sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
