so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
