His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
