shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
