just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
