There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
