K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Randomize
