If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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