I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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