I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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