Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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