I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
