I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
