had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
