I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
