I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize