I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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