it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Randomize
