I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
