Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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