she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
