I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
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