captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
