I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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