You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
