you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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