I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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