By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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