cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
God, I missed his penis.
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