she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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