Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
