She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
