I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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