First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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