It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
