im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
