I got chris browned last night
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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