Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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