I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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