be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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