id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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