I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
