Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
