you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
