I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
