she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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