The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
