That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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