I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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