He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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