Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
