I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
