i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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