I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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