I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
