new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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