We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
