We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
