Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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