He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
